Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
