I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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