She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You dont lie about slip and slides
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
