apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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