Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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