Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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