Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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