I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
