My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
