if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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