wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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