Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
