moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
found the other keg... it's in the tree
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
