Girls should come with a carfax report
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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