God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
