I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Congratulations! We have a period
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