I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
