Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize