A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
tell me about the eggs
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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