so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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