he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
a search helicopter?!
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
