bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
