Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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