You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
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she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
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I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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