Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just pee around me
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
