I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm having to shit out rocks
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize