Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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