My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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