im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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