You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
