And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
