if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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