So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Randomize
