I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
