So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
