I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
