he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
