oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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