I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
