I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
