Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
