You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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