My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
