I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
