Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
