I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
