i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
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Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
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thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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