: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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