how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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