I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
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