just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
