im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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