half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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