when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
