Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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