Non-Jews are for practice
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
