youre lurking in front of me
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
