every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
