So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
