i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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